Jealousy is a common feeling in relationships, but for some, just thinking about their partner’s ex can ruin their day. This specific form of jealousy is called “Rebecca Syndrome,” also known as retroactive jealousy. It occurs when someone feels upset imagining or hearing about their partner’s past relationships. While most people try to avoid these thoughts—like remembering a partner’s romantic getaway with an ex—Rebecca Syndrome can seriously damage relationships by creating unnecessary resentment.
Here’s a guide to better understand and manage these emotions.
What is Rebecca Syndrome?
You may not be familiar with the term, but you might recognize its source. It comes from Daphne du Maurier’s 1938 novel Rebecca, in which a young woman marries a wealthy man and struggles with the lingering presence of his deceased first wife. Although fictional, it reflects the kind of jealousy many people experience today regarding their partner’s past relationships. This form of jealousy is often irrational, unlike feeling suspicious after seeing messages between your partner and an ex.
A 2017 Superdrug study revealed that about 66.7% of people in relationships admitted to looking up their partner’s ex, with 65.8% of married individuals doing the same. Chartered psychologist Louise Goddard-Crawley told Newsweek that Rebecca Syndrome stems from “retrospective jealousy,” where people obsess over their partner’s past relationships without a logical reason for their feelings.
Why People Experience Rebecca Syndrome
Psychotherapist Toby Ingham has explored the root causes of this condition, linking it to unresolved childhood and family issues. He explained to Vice that people often fail to see the connection between past experiences and their current feelings of insecurity. Social media can make this worse by giving easy access to photos or memories of a partner with their ex.
How to Manage Rebecca Syndrome
Dealing with Rebecca Syndrome can be difficult, says Ingham, but ignoring it can lead to the downfall of a relationship, as insecurity and fear of a partner’s past become overwhelming. A good starting point is to avoid asking about your partner’s past relationships. Accepting that they likely had past partners and approaching it maturely can help keep irrational concerns in check.
Ingham recommends self-monitoring behaviors, like resisting the urge to check your partner’s phone or avoid social media if it triggers you to look up their exes. For those struggling to cope, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) can help. CBT focuses on identifying and changing negative thought patterns and related behaviors. If the anxiety is severe, consulting a doctor about possible medication options may also be helpful.